so much has happened recently. i really really really hope that Kent Ridge Hall will not disappoint me again. I should be able to know by tuesday morn whether i got a room, on waiting list or i didn. Friends have been telling me to chill and not to think abt it and just go sleep. but i cant. given a choice. i dont want to worry too. i wna go to sleep with a peaceful and happy mind. but i cant. i know that i should trust my block head, should trust my chairperson and all, but i CANT. so much has happened. the way my chairperson handles stuff related to room totally gives me the feeling that she someone who is damn biased towards pple in her clique. And given the fact and all the rubbish and nonsense that happened between me and her, u tell me how am i supposed to place 100% trust in her that she will help me? she even went to the extent of comparing me with my partner, saying that it is very hard for her to justify why i deserve a room because she FEELS that my partner is working harder than me. hello. i worked bloody hard for the hall for NINE months. i put in my all and everything to the hall. when i knew that i didn have enuff points to stay, i chose to join rag. i placed my confidence and trust that by giving my 3mths of holidays in return, the most decent thing they can do is to give me a room. 

Looking at the way things are now, i really dunno. i have darn little confidence in my chair. The person i trust right now would be my blockhead. but then again, i know that if i have 100% trust in him, i wouldn be worrying right now.  I know that there is this tendency for him to talk until damn nice in front of me, but when the actual situation comes, that might not be the case. 

I cant seem to find anyone in my comm who seems to fully understand where im coming from. all i need is someone who will listen and understand where im coming from. i dont need total agreement from them. at the end of the conversation, perhaps what you will tell me would still be the same ' theres nothing you can do, just chill k?' but at least you listened and u understood. but sometimes i just feel NO POINT in telling anyone about all that has happened. cuz they wont understand. dont ask me why i know they wont understand. you just know it. some people, after hanging out with them for quite some time, you just know what u can tell them and what u cant. there are 3 pple in the comm whom im exceptionally close to, but they're all bogged down by all other stuff, sometimes i just cant bear to tell them, and bother them with my troubles. especially so when u know that they might feel that it is nothing to worry about. 

it is then that i realise why even though now that i got over my cute guy, there is still this inclination to go running towards him when i have something troubling me. cuz i know that he will be there to listen and to understand where i am coming from and really be there for me. Even like i said before, i know his response would probably be something like ' u cant do anyting about it' but i still know that he knows and understands how i am feeling. its just like how u guys have always been for me, to listen and to understand me. for that. i am really really grateful to u all. 

last friday i heard that my cute guy got into an accident. i totally freaked out. that incident set me thinking again.thinking whether i am so freaked out and so concerned from a good friend's point of view, or cuz i havent gotten over him? coupled with the fact that im always running towards him whenever i have a problem, my friend says that i havent gotten over him. some says its habit. 

tonight i finally realise the reason. 

i put in so much for this hall. when i joined this holiday comm, i sacrificed so much more than my social life, my family. i sacrificed my block comm duty as well. when people tell me that i have no need to worry, i told them that i have every reason to worry. no point elaborating. they will just get irritated and think that i am worrying to much. 

i feel that i have been betrayed once by my hall. i got like only 30% trust in my chairperson and vice chair. I trust my block head up to about 80%, but there's only so much he can do. either that. or he is not willing to. 

to put it bluntly and  perhaps offending a million people in the process, who are they to say that i should just stop worrying since i cant do anything about it? i KNOW and AGREE that is probably is the best thing that i should do now. but will u please see things from my point of view and understand why am i so freaking bloody worried before saying this? 

i feel so damn worried and helpless at this point in time now. Even if the result tmr is positive, i am still so gna kill whoever who says ' i told you so.'

okays. sorry if i sound in coherent and taht u dont really get the full picture. need details. just gimme a buzz. 

thanks dears. love you all loads.